Saturday, May 30, 2009


It is wonderful to reach this age, the mid-thirties, where there is some clarity, whenever I feel utter chaos closing on me I come here and just put down the thoughts and just like the sediments the unsettling thoughts disappear and calm returns. There is something so comforting about coming to this place and sorting out the thought process, in fact the cessation of thoughts brings such deep understanding of life.

Like all fickle-minded women, I am also swayed by what I see. When I see wives ordering around the husbands, I start thinking that there is something wrong with me to not object to every thing the husband says. Sometimes the influence is so profound that even knowing that it is not my basic nature to demand anything sternly, I fall into the trap. The fact is that the illusion of seizing control in a relationship is a cunning trap devised by our psychosomatic system that punishes us. After the initial euphoria of being in the driver’s seat the backlash starts. First, there is tremendous strain to keep the status quo. Next, your conscious does not agree with the unfairness and so inside the corrosion begins. When suddenly people discover the diseases they blame life styles, climate, genes and what ever they think went wrong, but the very fact that our cells emulate us should warn us to be fair in the true sense of the word. We might think that we have fooled the system and established control in a relation, but the fact is we have undermined the very foundation of a human relationship and that truth is known to our body, that expresses its frustration in form of diseases.

On the other hand, I see cases where there is absolute suppression of the women. When they have no say in any matter, in rural Northern India you come across families where what the man of the house says is the last word and there is dread of punishments both mental and physical that loom large for the whole family, specially the women of the house. In such cases to the bodies of the oppressor and the oppressed react as the unspent anger manifests as depression and then diseases.

So is there any balance possible? The irony is that even when you have power and capabilities, I have seen if you do not conform to the external world and once in a while establish the fact through validation from the same external world, you are swept aside and even the most feeble member of the society would start taking you for granted. Strange but true!

So on one hand if you conform to the power politics and become a party to the equations that are in a constant state of flux (That must be quiet a high as ego is constantly being fed, yeah yeah you are the boss!), you are running a never ending race that stops when your heart stops to beat.Secondly, once you are in the grip of maintaining that seesaw, your internal system punishes you, as there is no way that you can always be fair once you are in the position of power. As such, we know that absolute power corrupts. On the other hand, if you dwell inside, not seeking validation from outside and deriving value from inner peace, you are branded as a failure as no one is 'under' you and gradually there is every kind of encroachment on your mental and physical plane, again leading to frustrations and a feeling of loss of autonomy. It's a beautifully made trap with repercussions waiting on both sides. What should one do to be true to one's basic nature and yet survive gracefully?

In Warm Void of Noon

In the blue of sky and the crumbling whiteness of the floating clouds

Hearts turns inside out filling in the sun and silence of the noon

Days of wind and grass carpet this emptiness, wider and wider horizon grows

Open the mouth and let in the breeze fill in, close the eyes and see the green darkness

A warm empty noon and an empty mind just the sound of wind ruffling the clothes

Open up the limbs to the soil and the sky, the stark warm noon settles like a dust particle

Traveling on fresh sunrays, coming through a window... floating down a dark silent space...

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