Sunday, December 27, 2009

Deception


There are such ruthless predators, one such human my friend had the misfortune to trust, am in deep gratitude for having the friends I have after this realisation.She is such a brilliant person and so beautiful, yet she has been conditioned by circumstances to lie low and derive her worth from other people's validation. This is quiet common in our society, where women were traditionally treated as liabilities. If you trap a person into loneliness and constant abuse, how will he or she survive? When the agony of suffering becomes unbearable they seek comfort, if they are lucky they bond with gentle people but sometimes they are so broken that discrimination is impossible. Some heartless people use them and their vulnerabilities. When they are led craving for healing, they encounter more damage and deception. Like a magnet attracting more misery, it is difficult to understand this equation of misfortune and deep hunger for love and understanding. Am saddened at how low humans can stoop, knowingly damaging one who comes seeking healing.

Monday, December 21, 2009


Just this breath moving in and out
And a single cream rose blossoming
Laden sky held in spreading branches
And your clothes cocooned in your fragrance

Day is heavy dripping like honey slowly
And I lick the moments cold and dark
Drinking in the heavy dull sunshine
My heart is lead in a cold fist

Give me a flower kiss
Give me a blanket hug

Cold


Just this breath moving in and out
And a single cream rose blossoming
Laden sky held in spreading branches
And your clothes cocooned in your fragrance

Day is heavy dripping like honey slowly
And I lick the moments cold and dark
Drinking in the heavy dull sunshine
My heart is lead in a cold fist

Give me a flower kiss
Give me a blanket hug

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Silence


Silence in my heart and love ripens

Slow and sweet like mangoes in summer noon
A solitary pine waiting, heart spread like branches

In the quiet moments collecting whispers of past
kissing each word rippling to quivering smiles

In the foggy winter night drawing close this blanket
Of fragrant memories and healing warmth

Silent night and my lips are a quiet lake
moon dips its arms in my quiet waters

My quick silver silently waiting your quick silver
In changing seasons and days and nights

Silence in my heart...and love ripens

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Scatterd Dreams


Warm hands and warm heart
Winter mist escaping my dream

This heartbeat in the womb of time
Embedded in my soul like pebbles on sand

Scorched feet, they sense you
Frozen heart thaws

Somewhere near
You breath...

me...

in...

Warm hands
Warm heart

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Dreams!



Invisible fingers weaving sunshine in my hair
And I dreamt your dreams last night
Your dawn becomes my dusk
Night, silent, blue and heavy grows cold in my embrace
And I daydream with sunshine fingers in my wet hair...

Friday, November 27, 2009

Observations


Yesterday, I was dancing by a pretty young girl. A haunting beauty and I tried to etch her features and her fluid body in my mind. Dressed in a dark long cotton skirt hiding her feet. She wore a black simple top that hugged her budding breasts. A huge silver sun-like roundel hung from a slim chain, looking lovely above the v-neck of her T. Her brown hair cascaded to her slim hips. There was something haunting about her green eyes.

In the engagement ceremovy, since this cousin of my husband is getting married to a Kashmir boy, she was adorned with ornaments made of flowers- jasmine and rose buds. She looked pretty and radiant in her maroon dress and flowers, her hands painted orange henna into delicate patterns. These days when I am out, there is an involuntary detachment from the surroundings. In a way it is fun to stand away uninvolved, though you look involved as you do interact, and just observe what is going on.

Are we not in deep disillusion wen we stand at the core of the 'events' taking place. Actually,
we just observe no matter how aggressively we are involved as all the core processes are spontaneous. Detached participation is what I mean to put across, that brings absolute peace to the inner self, try this sometime. Stand near and yet far from surroundings and move inwards as a spectator. Sometimes this leads to introspection and sudden thoughts that seem to come from another source at a deeper or higher level.

Image: Again by Isha, I love these pictures by her!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Seeking...


Each moment with seeds of heaven and hell
Like grains of sand thrown on a shell

Traveling the blue and brown of cosmos
To get lost in eternal inky depths

Where, in which star shall I look for your soul
In this void... I seek the whole



Image: Clicked by my cousin sister Isha!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A Visit to the Fair with Parents


Yesterday, I visited the trade fair with my parents. It is such a soothing feeling to be with your parents. My mother had made a simple vegetable dish with cauliflower, carrot, peas and potatoes and to have this with the 'puris' was wonderful. Thoughtfully she had raw onions, fresh green chillies and a juicy lime too add to the favour. It is as if one returns to the roots, like a small sprout returning to its parent plants. You can complain, yell, be a child without any fear. My parents are very simple people, father, an engineer by profession is an educator par excellence, mother, a teacher and how many new little things I discovered about her. Her admiration of crafts, her comments and gentle persuasion. The joy on their face when they gifted me money to spend on what ever I liked! I did spend some to make them feel good.

There is something very satisfying and peaceful about comforting the parents. I do not get the chance often as with kids and family it gets difficult to visit them, but it is a pleasure and an intense learning time when ever I visit. Actually, there I feel I have turned into a little girl again, with kids sticking to my brother as he is the pied piper of kids! There is time to let go and relax and listen to parents talking about the relatives, meditation and how I am wrong in their current observation about bring the kids (that is always a hot favorite).

There are things that I can reflect on as a parent and fill the gaps when I see how they interact with the kids. Today, when I was feeding my reluctant daughter as she was getting ready to leave for the school, I realised the massive responsibility I shoulder. Someday, she will bring another human into this world and I will hold in my arms the genes passed on to her. Just beginning to realise how important is this bond. Loved the time with parents and tucking my father in and stroking his hair, things they did everyday for us! Asking God for more opportunities to be able to mother the parents...

Monday, November 23, 2009

My Thoughts for the Bride!


A couple of days back I was talking to my friend who is getting married on 29th. She is like a tornado, moving from one place to another, getting her clothes for various functions to looking for a high heel shoe to go with her wedding dress. I heard her talk about all the things that were needed to work out before the wedding. She has always been very close to me and I know she is a soft person, I was listening to her and yet my heart ached to ask her just one thing, do you love him? Do you sense that stirring, that sweet ache when he is about you? She suddenly became very quiet when I asked her what she felt about him. " I feel numb right now with all these preparations," she confided. I felt like placing my hand on her heart and asking her to go inwards leaving the chaos outside and see if she felt that longing. At my age this would sound funny and very melodramatic but love I still believe surpasses all other 'necessities'. Talking to her, it felt that while traveling the destination was forgotten. This poem came to my mind. These lines I recited to her to break the monotony of tasks that freeze the affection:

She seem'd a splendid angel, newly drest,
Save wings, for heaven:---Porphyro grew faint:
She knelt, so pure a thing, so free from mortal taint. Anon his heart revives: her vespers done,
Of all its wreathed pearls her hair she frees;
Unclasps her warmed jewels one by one;
Loosens her fragrant bodice; by degrees

She warmed up a bit and then I asked her how he feels about her, to this she replied that he was not too expressive. Don't know if I was right in advising her but I encouraged her to write to him about all the things she felt in her heart. Next the things that came to me were asking her to give without expecting, to most it might appear ancient but observe closely and what do you actually get out of calculations? Escalations and misery till the whole purpose of living together is lost. Another thing was learning to forgive, it has been a very difficult approach for me too but my experience tells me this is one medicine that cures all the bitterness in life.

Another jewel I want to share with her. These lines stir me every time I read these beautiful words from Khalil Gibran.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Last but not least are the words by my favorite poet Robert Frost that captures the essence of life...

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

I love this girl and pray for all the bliss that rains through the magical bond of love to drench her soul!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Mikora's Dream!


There was a little lady bird, his name was Mikora. He loved playing with other insects but today he found none of his playmates. he looked for them everywhere, over the branches, under the leaves but he could not find any of his friends. He was very tired so he made a soft nest in mud and soon he was asleep. In his dream he saw a green field surrounded by sunflowers and he ran and ran till he reached the tallest sunflower. He climbed the flower and saw many little insects running about playing hide and seek. Mikora joined them and they whooped with delight when they spied on a hiding friend. Suddenly there was a storm and the sunflowers swayed wildly. " Mikora, get up! I have been looking for you every where. Come climb n my back and have your lunch, we have to leave son for our new home." Mikora's mother was shaking him and he woke up rubbing his big eyes. " But Mamma, where are all the friends I was playing with?" His mother lifted him and laughed," friends Mikora, there were no frinds you were asleep alone, maybe you saw them in your dream. Mikora ate his honey and grains and collected his toys. He tied them in a small tender leaf and sat on his mother's back. She was flying very high in the blue sky, she crossed the green fields, deep blue lakes and Mikora saw black sheep grazing down below. At last they reached a field of sunflowers, as yellow as the sun and she landed on a huge brown centre of a sunflower. Mikora looked about, there were little lady birds and spiders and ants all playing and jumping from flower to flower. He laughed and danced" this is the place I saw in my dreams momma! I love you." He ran to join his new friends and played and played till it ws time to have dinner!

NEWS


Was thinking of bringing the Yahoo 360 blog here but now it seems difficult with the format of Yahoo profiles going haywire. Am starting to blog here and linking this to the Facebook.

Friday, October 9, 2009

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Observations
Walking by the sea front in the morning, I observed the crows were over excited. There was a crow with a badminton shuttle cock in its beak and the other crows were crowding around this crow excitedly. The proud crow held the shuttle cock like a trophy and began to pluck the feathers. There was more excitement and cawing. He would look side ways with an arrogant turn of neck and again start plucking out the cork. The whole display of bravado attracted some eagles too. They hovered low and two crows flew after these circling eagles. Now the crow with the shuttle cock grew more possessive and took flight to an isolated rock a bit farther into the sea. He was still convinced that he had found a dead bird and the joy of pulling out the feathers was evident in the way he thrust his breast out and pinned down the ravaged shuttle cock. After good ten minutes of plucking the feathers and cork, the crow realized that the thing was of no use, he flew back to his friends and continues to display his prized possession. By now other crows had started prancing with some odd stuff, one held a wet brown bag in its beak, other had dug out a shell and jumped from rock to rock following the crow with the shuttle cock. After a while another friendly crow joined the shuttle cock crow and they got busy with scraping some sort of edible algae from the rock surface. The shuttle cock was forgotten, seeing this, another crow gingerly came close to the abandoned shuttle cock and as soon as he picked it up the crow who had found it pounced upon him. This made me laugh and I could not help thinking how human was this behaviour. Even when we realize how useless some of our precious possessions are we guard them with our life and the moment some one encroaches on this possession, well, the crow reaction happens, lay off your claws!
Another interesting thing I want to share is: we were visiting husband’s friend after so many years came to know of a very unique thing about him. He was aware of his previous birth as a child. He used to tell his parents that he had died in a car accident in Calcutta and remembered the number plate of the car. He dreads visiting Calcutta but is confident that he can easily navigate the streets, though he has never visited the city before. When I asked him what all he remembered on a lot of prodding he spoke of being driven in this car and that both the driver and he were killed in the accident. He remembers that he used to wear a white dhoti and was a businessman. We joked about finding out his widow and check if he had left a will. This is the first time I have met a person who remembers his past birth and since he was quiet reluctant to share his experience with anyone, and knowing him so well, there is no doubt that he telling the truth. I really wish that he would go back to Calcutta and find out who he was, though it is easy as his father had found out that the car with the number plate he remembered had actually met with an accident and the occupants had died, a strange co-incident is that ion the same date a few years later he took birth again.
There is something I have also experienced about the date, when I had delivered my daughter I had a disembodied voice tell me that this child had my brother’s soul who had expired when he was three. Then it told me to ask me about the significance of seventeenth September in relation to the brother. This was the date of birth of my new born daughter. I was scared initially as this was a strange dream and I had just delivered, I called my mother and asked her if the date had some significance for my brother. She told me that he had died on that date. I was stunned. It is quiet possible than that the date of birth has some relation to the date when we die in previous life?
Still in Mumbai, and absorbing this restless city. Will keep you all posted, take care and enjoy awareness of self as I am realizing our existence is more like a dream, with us like masses of concentrated energy, living the dream that is sniffed off so easily. While I walk, sometimes it feels like every thing, the people, sand, sea, trees are extension of this energy or that I am an extension of that whole!
Pic: Since I don't have the USB cable for my phone, I couldn't post the crow pictures. Here is Jayu on the beach! Crow pictures will be here soon via blue tooth!
said 5 months ago Report Abuse · Permalink · 4 Comments
Mumbai
While in Delhi watched a mother sunbird feed a baby sunbird with Professor Vijayaraghavan Chariar. The bird had its woven nest in a thorny tree, the little one and the mother were fearless surrounded by small children playing and eating in serene silence. There was a jet back father-sunbird too flitting like lightening from one branch to another. To observe the little one try and climb out from a shallow canal was a beautiful moment in time.Here in Mumbai, I felt utterly lost as I watched people mill around like ants. I never get this city, there is too much focus on things. The city has had its revenge, there are distorted people. There is just concrete and very less space to connect with nature and that leaves just the material things to focus on, the result is here. Just yesterday I read a report in the paper that Mumbai matches with the western country in the stroke related deaths. I stroll near the sea face and that is calming. A few days back I was just observing how much plastic was stuck in women's hair. It feels as if the hollowness inside is patched up with flashy things stuck to the exterior. In the mall the noise levels were very high in a bowling alley, there were men and women and children. I felt a nausea rise up and felt all that mental chaos unhinge me as if all their thoughts, desires and anxiety were crowding upon me. Something about the way life is perceived is not right. Before that there was a monsoon ball where a crowd danced to music as artificial showers lashed them, drenching bodies. There was smell of liquor and perfumes, of hormones and raw desires. Again there was no purity here, women flaunted and men were like panting wolves. A woman next to us let her bodice slip down, the man dancing with her was drunk and aroused. It was ugly. Ther is a harshness that puts you off the material world when you encounter such a deeply engrossed mass of humans. The focus is on the basal things, sex, food, clothes and money. I do not say that to look for a comfortable life is a sin, but what I see is a completely absorbed attention into just these. That puzzles me and disorients me. Am here in Mumbai and being amused by this strange city where most of the wealth is concentrated and with the wealth is the mad rush everywhere as if the time is about to end! Will keep you all updated on my observations of this city. I held a soft six-month-old baby to calm my nerves today. It was beautiful, I will avoid going into the crowded places here.Pic: Low tide in Mumbai, there is beauty too but very few get to admire this here in this city.
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Mind and Body
Lately I have come to believe that mind and body are entwined very beautifully. Mind and its influence on the body is so powerful that it can reverse aging. Through observation I have come to realise that for me somethings work and these have an affect on the way body ages.
Meditation- This is an absolute connect between mind and body and when you become thoughtless, just as you some times become while looking at a beautiful flower, there is rejuvenation. The mind that never stops thinking, erasing, sorting out thoughts, rests for these moments and the effect percolates to the body too. If you observe, even while we are asleep, the mind works and we see dreams. These dreams also call for decision making and discerning. Probably due to this nature of our brain, we consciously need to disengage it sometimes and that happens when we meditate.
Connecting with nature-I have observed whenever I am ill, there is a psychological reason also that lowers my immunity. The house we live in also saturates with a certain kind of energy. Just observe what happens when you move out into open. Sometimes it feels that our energy field is getting expanded. I go out consciously twice a day to connect with nature, look at the sky and the Earth and somehow that brings the balance back.
Food-That is the basic raw energy that we transfer to our body. If it is not exotic or out of season, it seems to agree better with the body. Secondly,I have observed that when the food is cooked, the emotional state of the person cooking affects the vibrations of the food. A person in a balanced state of mind cooks food that adds to the vitality of others. Perhaps the ancestors had a belief rooted in this fact, when they prohibited the menstruating women from cooking. Now we know, women' bodied are virtual cocktails of hormones during the periods and so, there are many tales about cakes flopping and pickles molding when a menstruating woman touches it.Yesterday, as my daughter and I were outside, we saw two plump jasmine flowers. I asked her to rest her lips on satin soft petals and inhale deeply as she closed her eyes. When you do this, a feeling comes to you, that this is a beautiful moment brimming with fragrance and beauty of the flower. It is hot but I have delayed the servicing of the AC so we have just the water cooler to battle the summer heat. There was some cable fault and in the noon there was no electricity. Jayani and I slept on the floor, she made two paper fans and we waved these, it was an amazing feeling to lie on Earth, the spine becomes so straight. We have forgotten that Mother Earth is so comforting, just lying on Earth is so healing, one can lie with body turned to left side, it's a comfortable position. I will be traveling to Mumbai soon and I will try and keep all of you posted about the experiences there.
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A Beautiful Life
Reading Irving Stone's ' Lust for Life' I almost wept. Such a passionate artist and what a love less life he led. A soul ahead of his time, perhaps even in today's fake world he would have suffered. A beautifully crafted biography, I will not reveal more, a must read for people who find their calling in Mother nature. For past few weeks I have been having fever, today things seem a bit better. What a blessing it is to get back to normal health, even cold makes one so helpless!It rained...Last night... it rainedEarth steamed And yellow leaves dancedHeat and dust got tamedIn my heart...It rained peaceAnd your thoughtsFear and anxiety slowly settledLast night...it rainedPic: Jayani, my daughter took this picture in our lawn a while ago.
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Just Wandering About
Yesterday, as I was walking towards home I saw a kitten that looked like the one kids loved. I picked the kitten in my arms and tried to carry it home. She was patient till I reached the gate and then she scratched my fore arm and ran away. Our cat is missing and this behavior by the kitten makes one thing sure, if he was alive he would have come back. Right now a black cat is sitting in the porch with its litter of four kittens I am keeping a constant supply of milk to her as she is feeding the young kittens. This time they are tiny compared to the healthy litter of two kittens last time. The cat showed gratitude by rubbing against my leg. Things are so simple in nature. In human relationships, the very people for whom you have cared the most would leave you in a lurch, just an observation. It has started to get scorching hot here. Little green mangoes dangle on the branches like pendulums. Air is warm and leaves stand still at noon time. Sky becomes cloudless, hard as steel, shimmering.
Her Daydreaming!
There was a calm pool of quiet in her heart as she played with a green twig. There were bright magenta 'office time' flowers dotting the thick succulent leaves. She inhaled deeply, last night's jasmine was still on the bush, drooping slightly as the sun blazed. Looking up she saw a pregnant woman, and she thought how a little human was attached to the fluid-filled amniotic sack, so primitive, she thought. A sweat drop trickled down her temple; she extended her pink tongue, tasting the sharp salt of the droplet.
A woman was buying vegetables, a woman from a respectable house hold, her back was a little bent. Her voice barely a whisper. Feeding her children and being presentable by her husband's side were unwritten duties, so she feeds them day-after-day, thinking of new things to put in their lunch boxes. She buys a few matching trinkets for herself to go to the stiff formal parties, this woman with a slouch, to look presentable by her husband's side. The woman buying the vegetables also pleases her in-laws, it is one of her duties.There are sparrows in a nest, she observes, the mother sparrow is pushing the baby sparrow out of the nest. Sparrow is skin and bones rearing up her three chicks, but she will never be a mother -in-law to lord over the little male chick's life. In nature things are simpler.
She is thirsty, she dunks a steel glass in an earthen pot she had bought in a small town, the smell of wet earth fills her nostrils, she inhales deep as she drinks the cool water. She touches her feet, they become dry no matter how much cream she massages into them, every day as she bathes surrounded by white washed walls, she brushes the feet, first the toes, the nails and then the ball of the heel. Sometimes she scrubs them with terracotta stone. When she was younger, she would mix turmeric, curd and gram flour and when it would dry on her skin creating wrinkles, she would scrub it, rolling cylindrical dark paste, moving her palms slowly against her face, shedding all the grime.
In the steaming heat she sits thinking on the doorstep of the first showers of monsoon, when the dark gray clouds creep silently into the horizon and suddenly the life stands still in anticipation. Air gets saturated with humidity, thick and almost solid, and then suddenly with slithering cool breeze, the heavens open, showering pure bliss on parched Earth.
She stands up, her hair catching the pale dust riding the warm wind. There are birds chirping in the neem trees and the bitter smell of ripe little neem fruits permeates the air. It is time to peel the vegetables and soak the lentils and rice for the lunch, as the squirrels run up and down the tree, she smiles and shuts out the heat across the door. The mustard oil fills the bottom of a pan and her hands get busy transferring the cut vegetables to this spluttering heat of the vessel.
Pic: Sunset in Mumbai, Jayu sits near a petunia plant.
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believe that as humans we should at this stage contribute in a positive way to undo the harm done to our mother earth.Pale yellow Days! Climate is certainly changing, no matter how much people deny this fact one can see the way the seasons are delayed and the strange patterns. It is abnormally hot in Delhi these days, I don't remember when it used to be this dry and hot. There is fine dust flying in afternoon's hot blast of wind. Land is parched and monsoons are delayed. It is also a delayed and weakened monsoon that is predicted this year.
Yesterday, I was watching a movie, 'Behind the enemy lines' there is a scene where the American soldier trying to escape from Bosnia hides in a mass grave. It brings out how brutal human race can become for illogical things. In this case it is religion, some thing that was established to teach and instill peace and self awareness. Today whatever crisis has developed in Afghanistan is again a reminder that it takes a little to throw away the cloak of civilization and pretext of co-existence and become inhuman and absolute metal deprivation. There can be no logical explanation for this kind of insanity.What a contrasting world we live in, after a century of social, economic and scientific progress. There is South Africa that is still in time warp stuck with civil wars and still light years away from the very basic amenities. India had gained Independence sixty-two years ago and even with rampant corruption and siphoning of funds by politicians and officials, the growth now is relatively evenly spread across the country. There are cyber cafes in remote hills and in the deserts of Rajasthan. Mobile phones have penetrated remotest of villages and government primary schools (the standards are very low) are present in all the villages. A lot of the credit for this progress that came across through education of the masses goes to the women who have held the social fabric of the country against all odds. It is not that all is well with the system, it is sick but somehow the brunt is borne by the women of the country, who silently contribute towards the education of their children, mostly sacrificing their individual freedom for the cause. Today, if we see a highly skilled and young work force that is pitching in the world's labor market, it is because of the hard work put in by the family units. I will give you an example of how the average middle class family propels the children to excel. As soon as the children reach the tenth grade they are in for a grueling schedule of very focused studies as they appear in board exams. In the society, how you score in the boards is matter of cheer or depression. As soon as the board result is out there are rounds of congratulations from family and friends when the children perform well. This is not the end, just the beginning as now the kids face even a bigger challenge, that of scoring high ( to get a good college) in the 12th grade and then clearing some competition to make an early start in their career. Not long ago medicine and engineering were hot favorites as that would guarantee a safe future. With many options available now things have eased up a bit but there is tremendous pressure still to perform and that is the reason that Indian kids are used to hard work and burning mid night oil. I explained this as it can clarify how the women contribute towards the education of the younger generation, the very force and dedication makes disorientation of the younger generation impossible as they know they have to earn a living in a very competitive environment and human mind is such that it can be molded to work in a very constructive way.What I have observed in the fanatic societies is the absolute blind following of norms that they don't even comprehend. Education and logical thinking would have saved countries like Afghanistan. Suddenly all this makes us feel so small in this beautiful twinkling ocean of Universe. We are somewhere in the infancy of this consciousness. Just put this strife against the absolute harmony of nature, the cycles of seasons (which we have successfully disturbed, human cacophony!), even the millions of processes that are taking place right now, this moment in our own bodies. We are far far away from attaining this pure intelligence, but there is always hope. I wish people who 'matter' and make decisions for humanity have more wisdom to do so, so that more Bosnias and Afghanistans are not created. Thoughts drifted wildly and now I visualise a field of daisies in my heart... with long green grass blades waving in cool breeze and white dots of daisies nodding across the horizons. Peace to all!Tags: Edit Tags Wednesday 24 June 2009 - 07:47PM (IST) Edit Delete Permanent Link 0 Comments Eternity Another summer noon, trees stand still outside. Children love such hot afternoons when they can play outside undisturbed. I remember I and my friends used to go out into wilderness of the vast campus where we lived. In the short bushed we looked for monarch caterpillars, collecting them in cardboard boxes. We used to poke the lid with a needle to create holes so that the insects would breath easily. It used to become a competition, who will collect the maximum caterpillars. There used to be some drums near the garages, these were filled with lime stone powder and we used to pour water in these drums to see the white milky froth bubbling. We would call it milk and pour it into the cans, now the whole thing seems so silly but this was our favorite activity in the hot afternoons buzzing with heat and emptiness. Often in rainy mornings we would be out with little glass jars filled with mud looking for a deep red velvety insect. These would emerge after the first rains, from the family of spiders these docile insects burrowed in the soil and ate grass blades. I no longer see these insects after the first showers now, probably the acid rains got them.There was a childhood friend of mine, she was my best friend and as her parents were the family friends, whenever they visited I would request and whine constantly to her parents to leave her at our place for a few days. There was no bigger joy than having her at my place. We would sleep in my bed, whisper our secrets and even bath together. When I remember this I can sense the thrill that I experienced every time I was permitted to visit her or she could stay at our place. In college the friendship scattered a bit and I had some girl friends who possessed me and she had some who stuck to her. We are still good friends and it is an invisible bond that we share that kicks in just as we meet, even time and distance doesn't dilute such bonds. I am sure most of us have such childhood memories that are pure joy and moments of eternal bliss. Even in our adult life we foster such relationships but these are rare and these are so spontaneous that they come into existence without our consciousness. Love makes life so very beautiful, be it innocent memory of a bursting heart at some secret adventure or the first crush. Those days with their breeze, leaves, smells when hunger doesn't matter when a friend is running holding hands immersed in freshness of a grassy field. Love in any form is precious, brings about blossoming!Pic: The velvet mite that we collected after the first showers. I wish to see snow fall, though I hail from Himalayas, I haven't ever seen snowfall, that is bit sad... no?Tags: Edit Tags Friday 19 June 2009 - 03:57PM (IST) Edit Delete Permanent Link 1 Comment Back to Delhi! Am here in Delhi now and it is a good feeling, Mumbai was claustrophobic to say the least. There is not a free patch of sky line that you can see there. The few trees jammed at corners of the roads hardly lend any green to the dull gray and yellow buildings. It took some time to adjust to the Delhi greenery, the branches spread across the horizons and the free blue skyline. As if I am able to breath again, there were so many things that my mind registered to share with you, the squalour, the strange contrast of extreme poverty, of people sleeping sprwled on pavements and fancy pubs tucked in most unimaginable locations, one was in a mill area. I had never visited a pub but this one as it had to do with rock music, my son had wanted to visit. I really did not get the city, it's overcrowded and sweltering with sad-faced humans scurrying everywhere like ants. If the development was de centralised, there would have been less influx of populations from neigbouring states to this city. Actually, there might be a vast immigration to this place as it hosts the film industry and that is one single fact that might be responsible for such constant stream of hopeful people coming into the city, just the mere awareness about the presence of this city probably. Mumbai is strange as it is like a cup full of humans in constant interaction, one can study what happens when you are constantly assulted by stimulus here. Being from the calm gentle Himalayas, it is not a place where people like me can thrive as it absolutely disconnects you from nature. How much the place we inhabit affects us! Now after staying in Mumbai for a month I have realised what a paradise Delhi is with all its open spaces and ancient trees. Tags: Edit Tags Wednesday 17 June 2009 - 08:56AM (IST) Edit Delete Permanent Link 0 Comments Life again...
Soon I will be leaving for the Himalayas for a few days before the kids' school start. There is a lot of turmoil in my heart right now.
Life...
Sita looked around her, every thing was same as yesterday, the sky, Earth and the warm breeze caressing her skin but something within had changed forever. She was sensing some quesiness deep inside and was afraid to even understand it. The mornings were dull with the tea tasting like oison, so many time she tried to force it down but would end up draining the fresh cup. This scared her she remembers her pregnancies, she maintained a constant vigil for her periods that were like a clockwork. As the day approached and then two days sank into the womb of time without a trace of much awaited flow.
She sitts on the metal bench outside the waiting room of the gynacologist, the metal cold making her numb inside. After a while he shows her a little dot on the screen of the mpnitor, she knows these are the cluster of cells rapidly dividing to create a new life. A life she was unaware of till now. He asks her to take two doses. A singal hexagonal tablet that clenches her belly like an iron fist and the four tiny tablets that make her bleed like an overflowing dam. She stares with vacant eyes and asks for forgiveness, all around her life sprouts in constant splendour and she had to bleed away the gift of life... Still uncertain she goes on, the sun sets over the horizon and the slanting rays turn the clouds peach, she asks whoever it was in her womb to forgive her and whispers her blessings over the little clots that emerge out of her body, an interrupted life...Tags: Edit Tags Friday 12 June 2009 - 03:25PM (IST) Edit Delete Permanent Link 0 Comments Life...
The sun is about to set over the hazy waves of the ocean. My heart and my mind feel exausted.Ther is a state of chaos that I sense. I have been reading so many books lately. Soon I will be traveling to Delhi, the city has a calmer strain to it. Here in Mumbai, there is something that is unsettling and too shallow. I feel deep sadness in my heart. Life that blossoms so beautifully when touched by the serenity of nature, feels so much like a foggy evening when you can't figure out anything in the haze. Stumbling across, and trying to make sense of life.
I have moved the blog to the Yahoo profile, have yet to see how it is different than this 360 blog here. Seems I need to meditate to settle the silent storms raging in my soul. Met my cousin, who is pregnant and radient these days with the glow. Her mother, my aunt is an amazing woman who has gone through a very hard life but one can learn how to enjoy every moment by just watching her in action. She has such a brilliant spirit, serving with all her heart, she embodies courage in the real sense.
Hope this movement of the blog does not disrupt the flow os bonds created here. One just needs to have a look at this 360 forum to understand the power of how this platform can destroy myths and really bring people close. Here the collective is working spontaneously and it is so positive a thing. On a larger scale it can work wonders.
said 3 months ago Edit · Delete · Permalink · 0 Comments
Learning!
It is wonderful to reach this age, the mid-thirties, where there is some clarity, whenever I feel utter chaos closing on me I come here and just put down the thoughts and just like the sediments the unsettling thoughts disappear and calm returns. There is something so comforting about coming to this place and sorting out the thought process, in fact the cessation of thoughts brings such deep understanding of life.Like all fickle-minded women, I am also swayed by what I see. When I see wives ordering around the husbands, I start thinking that there is something wrong with me to not object to every thing the husband says. Sometimes the influence is so profound that even knowing that it is not my basic nature to demand anything sternly, I fall into the trap. The fact is that the illusion of seizing control in a relationship is a cunning trap devised by our psychosomatic system that punishes us. After the initial euphoria of being in the driver’s seat the backlash starts. First, there is tremendous strain to keep the status quo. Next, your conscious does not agree with the unfairness and so inside the corrosion begins. When suddenly people discover the diseases they blame life styles, climate, genes and what ever they think went wrong, but the very fact that our cells emulate us should warn us to be fair in the true sense of the word. We might think that we have fooled the system and established control in a relation, but the fact is we have undermined the very foundation of a human relationship and that truth is known to our body, that expresses its frustration in form of diseases.
On the other hand, I see cases where there is absolute suppression of the women. When they have no say in any matter, in rural Northern India you come across families where what the man of the house says is the last word and there is dread of punishments both mental and physical that loom large for the whole family, specially the women of the house. In such cases to the bodies of the oppressor and the oppressed react as the unspent anger manifests as depression and then diseases.So is there any balance possible? The irony is that even when you have power and capabilities, I have seen if you do not conform to the external world and once in a while establish the fact through validation from the same external world, you are swept aside and even the most feeble member of the society would start taking you for granted. Strange but true! So on one hand if you conform to the power politics and become a party to the equations that are in a constant state of flux (That must be quiet a high as ego is constantly being fed, yeah yeah you are the boss!), you are running a never ending race that stops when your heart stops to beat.Secondly, once you are in the grip of maintaining that seesaw, your internal system punishes you, as there is no way that you can always be fair once you are in the position of power. As such, we know that absolute power corrupts. On the other hand, if you dwell inside, not seeking validation from outside and deriving value from inner peace, you are branded as a failure as no one is 'under' you and gradually there is every kind of encroachment on your mental and physical plane, again leading to frustrations and a feeling of loss of autonomy. It's a beautifully made trap with repercussions waiting on both sides. What should one do to be true to one's basic nature and yet survive gracefully? In Warm Void of Noon
In the blue of sky and the crumbling whiteness of the floating cloudsHearts turns inside out filling in the sun and silence of the noonDays of wind and grass carpet this emptiness, wider and wider horizon growsOpen the mouth and let in the breeze fill in, close the eyes and see the green darkness A warm empty noon and an empty mind just the sound of wind ruffling the clothesOpen up the limbs to the soil and the sky, the stark warm noon settles like a dust particle
Traveling on fresh sunrays, coming through a window... floating down a dark silent space...
said 4 months ago Edit · Delete · Permalink · 1 Comments
Being!
From the silence of the deep ocean Drawn out, a silver fish of consciousnessEager to dive back, but withheldMany times I walked the worldsAnd lived the loves and livesWith pain lapping as ocean waves on the shoreThey say that each cell in out body has memory. There was an experiment by a polygraph expert, Cleve Backster, where some cells scraped from mouth were connected to a polygraph and the person was sitting far away, when the person reacted to some visuals shown to him, the cells that were kept in another room reacted to the stimuli through electrical discharge in the same manner as the person,s polygraph. Even when the cells were taken away from the body the reactions were same? How were the cells still acting as a part of the body even when they were severed from it?Sometimes I feel just like the above experiment we have the truth of our existence buried deep within us. This rises to the surface at times when there are moments of absolute clarity. The severed soul seeks the whole. How will we ever decipher the music of the univerce where not even a single note is out of place? Each leaf grows at mathematical precision and with subtle aesthetic poetry in place. When soul weeps it reacts to man made reality that plays on the outer side, the shallow means of survival that have come to be, caged in ego. Humans it seems were programmed to move farthest from the essence of being. While a little sea shell sings about the cosmic dance, we drift and drift far from the melody that emanates and surrounds us.
said 4 months ago Edit · Delete · Permalink · 0 Comments
Living in the world
Keeping in mind the learning from the stone waves, I ironed a load of clothes today, mostly my husband's and kids' clothes. Somehow I find ironing a task that according to the 'younger me' was a waste of time. I would jerk the clothes twice while spreading them on the clothes line and then they would dry with less wrinkles, that would make them ready to wear without ironing. So, today I thought if rocks can become waves, then I too can overcome my dislike of ironing and ironed away a huge pile of clothes. A few days back I was in the market buying some biscuits and cakes as we are staying in a transit accommodation and the kitchen is not fully operational. A lady I had met earlier launched on me taking me unaware, with a non stop loud complain as how she shuts up the 'middle class women' who complain about the small houses they have to do with. This, without any initiation from my side, in fact the moment I saw her I tried to push off in opposite direction to avoid any interaction after the mandatory' hi'. I was not successful, and as usual she started the assault, she always highlights the fact : " people like me who have lived in bungalows are entitled to complain(how many times one needs to know that?), they (the other women) are not from industrialist families to crib about the houses they get. They would be living in match boxes in their home towns but here they constantly crib! Let them rent out a house somewhere in Mumbai if they are so troubled." I wanted to say that the very fact that you are trying to show that others are beneath you in some manner speaks of an inferiority complex, but that would invite trouble.Well, I did not know where to look and what to reply to this sudden onslaught of verbal missiles. I tried slowly moving sideways pushing my trolley just nodding now and then, even without any participation her attack was a disturbing experience.What makes people so violent is beyond me. Why do they feel such an absolute necessity to convey their status? Why this need to control others? Normally, when we encounter such an approach with people with whom we constantly interact, we try to counter it with resistance or with our version of control. This may be the present way to survive in the artificial hierarchies but the deeper, stress-free way of being is devoid of all these energy-sucking tactics. The flow of life would be so much more smooth and enjoyable if these ego hassles were not there. Sadly, we live in a world where outer things have become more important and the silence of the soul and inner wholeness is forgotten. The only way to erase such meaning less interactions is to connect with nature, the sea constant in its waves, the wind ever flowing and the Earth ever green even after the harsh seasons. Most important and most beautiful things in life are unconditionally given to us. Just as blood courses the limit of our limbs, as humans it will make life like a poetry if we know the limits of our ego. I needed to put my thoughts here to understand why I was so puzzled at certain behaviours. We have every thing that is required to make a human happy, food, work, a roof over our heads and most importantly, children. More essential are the facts that sun never fails to rise every morning, oxygen that keeps us alive is created afresh by plants, water that sustains us maintains its cycle, if even one of these is withdrawn there will be no life as we know it, yet we put this' miracle of nature', our mind, to petty things! May God bless all of us with the true way we were meant to be.Pic: Waves crashing and absolute peace. Nature is divine and we are a part of nature. It is just a matter of connecting with this divinity. Amen to this.
said 5 months ago Edit · Delete · Permalink · 6 Comments
Beach!
We visited a clean and peaceful beach here in Mumbai and that is a rare thing in this city. There were rocks submerged in sea water, these rocks have been sculpted by nature to look like waves. The hard rock had taken soft contours of a wave, its dark mass undulating under sea's constant touch. It was a moment of deep peace to stand near these rocks, in the deeper parts of this giant sculpture, crystal clear water shimmered. On closer look there were whole ecosystems surviving in these little water bodies. After a gentle massage of waves on the sand I rested in a calm pool created by these huge rocks. The water was warm and I sensed my body drifting easily in salt water. There was a transparent crab trying to climb up and a little fish flitting by me. Across the rocks I could see the sea waves and the surf.There were a temple and a church far away etched against the skyline. I and the kids looked for shells in the beach and this beach was like an open treasure. Near the wave like rocks we found entire portions of beach covered in a thick layer of shells and little colorful stones. We picked up the most beautiful ones. In nature every thing is in abundance, this came to me as we picked each of these beautiful creations and observed how intricately the patterns were woven into these exoskeletons of sea animals. What kind of intelligence has depth of thought to create such subtle beauty? On the rocks there were tiny calcareous projections along with greenish algae. I was carrying a glass in one hand and as I jumped from one smooth rock surface to another, I slipped a bit and landed on the smooth rock, to my surprise without breaking the tea glass! It was as if mother nature had softened my fall. Just to be lost in the vast expanse of sea shells and sand was a peaceful experience. I wanted to share it with you so I was eager to put it down here. Take care and enjoy our magnificent mother, Mother Nature.Pic: Animesh, my son sitting by the 'rocky waves'. Look at the way these rock waves are peaking and cresting.
said 5 months ago Edit · Delete · Permalink · 6 Comments
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Saturday, May 30, 2009

Blessed


Today, as I waited to buy books for the next class for my son, I got talking to a very sweet and mellow lady. During our conversation she said that one thing she has learned in life was to never plan as there is always something else that waits us in life.


I feel mostly in life we get messages from the creator at every step. I have observed that whenever I have felt lonely some arrangement is worked out and rapidly the void fills up as if some one is watching over me and making sure that I don't wander too far.

My heart fills up with love when I see the pattern of events and I scold myself to have doubted the tender love that surrounds me most of the time.


Life is a beautiful blessing and am blessed by the grace and presence of some angels in this life.


Pic: Me with the little kitty, kids have named him Booty boo

Mild Day


It is a mild day, sun is mellow and the gray seven sisters are playing with dry leaves on the roof. They look for insects under the leaves by turning them this way and that with their beaks. Squirrels are chasing each other on the tree bark and dahlias have become massive. Life has so many layers. The season and elements come together and an atmosphere. At this very moment it is sub zero temperature on the poles and scorching blaze in Sahara, but here it is soothing Spring, As they say this feels more like 'maya' (illusion).

I am cooking a very tasty beans dish today and have to puree the tomatoes, garlic and the onions. Adding whole spices like black pepper and cardamom gives it a nice warm flavor and then the reddish gravy(tomatoes) with the nice tender beans s a delight with fragrant basmati rice.

My meditation is taking me to beautiful silence as I am becoming more aware of its importance and succor it provides.

I burn an oil lamp at night and put my feet in warm water in a bucket, to which a spoonful of salt has been added. This helps drain the negativity that we accumulate through out the day. Then, I drain this water and sit in meditation. Sometimes it is deep and I am sitting aware yet unaware of my surroundings for long and sometimes the distractions are stronger and I my attention is engaged in other things after a short while.

Pic: These flowers feel like paper and last long when cut and last long in a vase.

Mango Blossoms


The soft maroon of the very young leaves of mango tree melted my heart. There is something about the tender life that tugs at the heart. The way these leaves have enveloped the tree is beautiful, like a soft maroon torrent. The slightly warmed breeze carries this ripeness of life. The bitter-sweet fragrance of mango blossoms. Children play around, their firm limbs shining in the evening sun. Even if it is a dream, this world, it is a beautifully crafted dream.

Butterflies dance, my little one watches the orange and red lady birds under a magnifying glass and I dig the Earth with a stick. I feel alive breathing in the fragrance these tiny flowers have released, I look at the brown Earth, this mild talc-like smell of sweet peas has come from this Earth. So many colours, violets, pinks, stark yellows and mild blues all from this dull brown Earth. I fall in love with the little pile of Earth I have dud out. This is the source of all this vibrancy and she has borne me as I am, just like one of these trees or flowers. In what form will she bear me again in her womb, I wonder.

Change

In last few days I have grown in many ways. I am a grown woman and yet there is an insuppressible child in me. Today, when I looked into the mirror, a much more serious woman stared back at me. There was less softness in the eyes and more concern about being grown up and in control of things. I understand most of the worldly things, but as I don't take myself so seriously, some people play mind games that I can see through now and I refuse to let them damage me.

I went out and I liked the disconnect when I traveled in a bus and listened to the senseless talk of the conductor and the passengers. I needed that.

My meditation is getting deeper and I sense almost a pain and hunger in my soul for the union with the creator while I meditate. Seems when you introspect and you stumble, you also discover that a deep silence and healing lies within.

I am blessed to have friends who engage my mind.

Healing

If you lift up the scab, I am still healing
With each change in the skylight the blood clots more
As the bruises turn light blue, then pink
I heal and heart grows calm again

Noon

A warm empty noon
Haze of stillness
Silk cotton seeds take flight in the mind
Blue void of the skies have occupied my heart
Nudge this cotton candy with the body of your smell
In the warmed floating space let the head rest against the heart
Fill in some erratic beats in between this waking and stupor
Breeze fills in through the open door lifting my hair like dry leaves
A million pieces of soul have gathered in your arms
Give me your wholeness, take the blue of empty sky away
Drip the honey of your skin thick and sweet on numb limbs
Collect the scattered cosmos in warm empty noon
Pierced deep and quick by the excited cries of summer birds

Being a Woman

It is very quiet, there is soft cool breeze stirring the dry leaves in the darkness. I am going through the interviews and articles of the anthology 'Sita'. As I do this my own life comes to me with a stark clarity. Now, who was Sita?

In brief I will narrate you the story. Sita was a princess. She was found in Mother Earth in a furrow. There are many tales about how and why she reached there, but her birth is considered divine. Now, she grew up to be a very beautiful woman, she was divine as once she had lifted Lord Shivas bow while swabbing the floor of the room. Her father saw that and decided that since her daughter had lifted the bow that was so heavy that most valiant of the warriors could not even lift it, he would marry his daughter to a man who could string it and break it.

In those times there were 'swayamvars' for the royal princesses, the kings would arrive from all over and the princess would garland the one who she liked. In this case the suitors had to break the mighty bow of Lord Shiva.

Rama, the prince of Ayodhya achieves this and takes the beautiful bride home. The bliss is short-lived as soon his step mother asks Dashrath, Ram’s father to grant her a wish she had earned before. She asks for Rama to be exiled and her own son to be throned as the king.

Rama is a man who honors his words, he leaves for a fourteen year exile. Sita follows him into the forests. She is advised to not leave, but she is adamant and she loves her husband so deeply that she threatens to kill herself if he abandoned her.

Once in the forests they live like ascetics, surviving on the fruits and the forest products. The forests are governed by Surpnakha, sister of Ravana, the king of Sri Lanka, she falls in love with Rama’s brother and he cuts her nose when she pursues him, the learned Ravana sees Sita as he visits the forests to revenge her sister’s dishonor and falls in love with her. He creates an illusion of a golden deer and Sita asks her husband to fetch it for her. When Rama does not return she asks her brother-in-law to go help his brother lest he is falls into some trouble. Laxmana, the brother-in-law draws a line around the hut and asks her not to step across this line.

Once he is gone Ravana comes dressed as a monk asking for alms. He refuses to take the alms from across the line saying that would be an insult. Sita crosses the line and is abducted by him. Now, he takes her to Sri Lanka and keeps her in a place called Ashok vatika, this place still exists in Sri Lanka. He can’t touch her against her will as he has a curse that if he molests a woman he will die.

Rama gathers an army of monkeys and all the forest dwellers and wages war on Ravana. Ultimately he frees Sita. The irony is that he rejects her and asks her to marry any one of her choice since she had been under the protection of another man. Sita berates him and in anger enters a pyre to prove her chastity. This makes Rama accept her and she accompanies him to Ayodhya, their kingdom as the exile is over. There is joy and Rama is made the king. He is a very righteous king and believes in setting right examples.

He has spies to know about the state of his people and one day a spy tells him of a washer man throwing his wife out saying I am not Ram to accept a tarnished woman, a woman who has lived under the roof of another man and is an adulteress. Rama is grieved by this incident but as he is the ideal king he asks his brother to take Sita, who is pregnant and abandon her in the forest.

Sita is clueless about her fate, when she is abandoned, she waits for her brother-in-law and she is shattered when she realizes this betrayal. Sita wanders to a saint’s hut and he and his family nurtures her. She gives birth to twins and brings them up. She is strong-willed and does not revel to them their father’s name. Later when Rama has a horse sacrifice ceremony, these two boys hold the horse and defeat his army. This is how he comes to know of their existence and then he tries to ask Sita to go through another fire test and prove her chastity. Sita refuses and she asks the Mother Earth to open up and take her in its womb. This happens and Rama is left calling her name and weeping for his beloved companion.

Now, here I am introspecting. Are not these threads so familiar? I questioned the dependence. Sita leaves Rama and never seeks another man; she is complete in her self. Today, the feminist would jump from one abusive relationship to another. That is not empowerment. Many questions are confronting me about the way I have lived my life as a conformist, never questioning the authority and always and blindly accepting the traditional mold of mother and dutiful wife. At this point I am looking at self-reliance and asking myself, Do you want to undergo this at every step and then treat my self like a grown up human, with respect. Time to stop giving unconditionally and create a boundary. I guess this is called growing up as a child I vowed that I will not become like the dry and serious mothers I saw all around, and now the circumstances are me to grow up and leave the ease of not taking myself too seriously. Seems that says to all-trample me!


Picture: Raja Ravi Verma's Sita's exile. She is shown sad in the forest.

Evening!

It is early evening, there is breeze in the leaves, stirring them gently. Suddenly the cool high-ceiling room, where we rest, gets filled with the sound of constant chirping of birds. I go out and tilt the rocking chair back. I can see little black and white birds crowding the silk-cotton tree. We watch the birds and wonder what they are chirping about. In a while they take flight together in a beautiful formation. Suddenly the tree is surrounded by absolutely quiet.

Had gone to the market to get badminton rackets for the kids. Had to get the knee guard and helmet for daughter's skating classes. I have just finished preparing the dinner vegetarian dish and my son is insisting that we go play badminton. I will write once I am back from the game. Many things to share...

Evening

It is early evening, there is breeze in the leaves, stirring them gently. Suddenly the cool high-ceiling room, where we rest, gets filled with the sound of constant chirping of birds. I go out and tilt the rocking chair back. I can see little black and white birds crowding the silk-cotton tree. We watch the birds and wonder what they are chirping about. In a while they take flight together in a beautiful formation. Suddenly the tree is surrounded by absolutely quiet.

Had gone to the market to get badminton rackets for the kids. Had to get the knee guard and helmet for daughter's skating classes. I have just finished preparing the dinner vegetarian dish and my son is insisting that we go play badminton. I will write once I am back from the game. Many things to share...

Resting Today!

Am running mild fever. Have sent kids to school, that is a task as I have to be up by five thirty and start preparing their lunch and breakfast. Next, to get them out of the bed is more difficult. I keep repeating the 'look at the watch' phrase but other than me none of them does it. I give bath to the younger one and mostly end up feeding by hand. Bringing their shoes, water bottles , keeping their lunch boxes in school bags, combing their hair as they complain 'you are hurting my head'. Then, finally we march out to the bus stand.

Again I hear the constant chirping of migratory birds as if a thousand metal bells were jingling together. What music! Over the weekend we had many activities. Jayu, my daughter is interested in insects and takes a magnifying glass to look at them closely. She loves lady birds and a few days back we were looking at a greenish spider holding a little bee in its fangs. The spider left the bee and it fell down, it was dead so I kept it and another dead bee near the spider's web. Jasmine is blossoming all around and the mild fragrance in the nights is soothing. Jayu is learning to do 'fill in the blanks'. This is a new concept so I write on the wooden closet all the sentences and give her the options one by one to try out till we come to the right choice and then I write it n the blank.

I made ginger and black pepper tea and I guess I will have another cup, the fever is not down yet. This time I will add basil leaves.


I was at a seminar at IIT Delhi this Saturday,the very young IITstudents were so full of life. They talked about the various kinds of people. The amiable ones, the analytical, the drivers and expressive. They told of how one can identify the type and assume a behavioral change called 'the style flex'. Where one changes one's behavior slightly to match the others, to bring about clearer communication.

They had a chart that sad how you go ahead and mold your stance, like with a driver, who dictates the work and orders around, you have to maintain a rigid posture. Not dress informally and be more precise about your communication in case you are in the expressive or amiable category. Each category behaves in a certain way under stress and moves on to the reverse side, that is to the extreme opposite personality's stress behavior as the last resort. I just now got the sheet that I had misplaced where I had noted down the behaviors under stress. Here it is:
  • The Analytical will go alone
  • The Driver will start ordering around
  • The Amiable will surrender
  • The Expressive will resort to personal attack
At the breaking point:

  • The analytical will resort to personal attack
  • The Driver will surrender
  • The Amiable will start ordering
  • The Expressive will go alone
That actually is shown by a figure of 'Z' with the behaviors in the four quadrants.


We played a game. The whole auditorium was divided into teams of 11 and then some teams which had lower number of people split into others. We all were told to go out of the auditorium and then they said that we all are in NASA and there is a problem that the Earth was going to be hit by an comet in 40 minutes. Since there was no scientists available, we had to activate a missile with nuclear tip to save earth. This would be doe by typing the keys from one to forty without simultaneously pressing two keys.
First time we went in we saw the number cards lying on floor and some in the team simultaneously pressed two keys and we were out within two digits. Next time we planned and made a strategy and got till 29 in a row, the third time we thought we will be fast and sat on floor to reach the digits. We were the only team to finish it in 40 seconds. That was fun indeed.

Later the facilitator asked about the strategies he pointed out that the aim was not kept in mind and the individual group goals became very important. He pointed out that it was said that ten people could come in at a time and had we focused on that fact, we would have sent the same team again and again till we achieved the goal that was to save the earth.

Today, I also felt a deep urge to go on planting trees. I wish I could keep planting trees. I love them!

Easter

Jayani, my daughter is leaning against me speaking of Easter lilies as I type this. We have just put a cake into the oven. I told her about Jesus Christ, about his crucification and the resurrection on Easter, as we prepared to bake the cake. She has been taking some pictures of Easter lilies and playing with the yellow pollen grains on the big anthers on the big bell-shaped flowers.

It amazes me how these flowers blossom right on Easter day! A few days back I was wondering how a stem was shooting up abnormally fast and what it would bear. There are no leaves but two huge red Easter lilies at the end of the stem today, on Easter day. It is almost magical how these plants are so faithful in their promise to decorate the Earth on this auspicious day. Happy Easter to all!

Serene Dream

I had a serene dream last night. I saw I was writing a very creative exam, where I needed to put down my experiences. Then I was called up the stairs for my file to be seen. I waited at reception asking if I could decorate my file with small blue flowers in a bowl kept there. I went up and it was Sanskriti,my kids' school but nothing there looked like the school, my boss at my previous working place was there too and very beautiful light-eyed women were there as the people who would judge us. They were in a meeting seems and there was a foreigner too. I saw the kitten 'booty boo' (he has stopped coming to our home, seems got a mate or changed the ares as other older males prowl this section of the residential complex!) I played with the cat excited to see him after so long and then later as I climbed up the stairs.

God! it was as if a paradise had descended. I saw beautiful rocks and a light blue river, the colour was lightest turquoise, with very powerful currents. The rocks were bathed in beautiful orange sunlight and it was cool and the river had a serene energy about it, there were arches and open sky beyond. I sat down on the rocks to see the water surging through the boulders.

My my file dropped into the water. I looked at the stream with apprehension and then dived after the file. I managed to save a few pages but the scene was too beautiful. Don't know what it means but it was wonderful!
I was very happy doing the creative work and the missing pages made me worry as to what I would show in the interview but it seems I was too absorbed in the beauty to pay attention to that small mishap. The quality of light was unearthy and there were dull marble arches all over. There was a silent knowledge that the river was Ganges, the rocks were melting beneath my feet but that did not deter me from admiring the beauty. When I dived into the water, I feared that it would be too deep but it was not. I sensed the cool waves closing on my body but it was soothing. A beautiful dream, almost like a poetry. Don't know what it means but it was a soothing balm to the senses.

Happy dreaming all!

The quality of light was similar to this picture's.

Silent

Yesterday as I lay on the bed, I heard the wind rustle the leaves on the roof and dust rushed into the room through a broken window. This came to me:

Eyes taste the dust wandering with wind
Teeth smell the solitary leaf scraping the tiles on the roof

I normally do not remember when these stray thoughts come and drift away like a cosmos on a breeze, but this one I did. Maybe because I felt the teeth really sense the brittle scraping of the leaf being hurled by the wind.

I love it when the sky darkens and suddenly the light changes. The trees, with each leaf reflecting the deep hues. There is something stirring when indirect light bathes the surroundings, it is as if the atoms and molecules vibrate at a different frequency than the normal.

A few days back I saw a tree laden with new, tender leaves, the colour was soft maroon-green and this tree was standing alone and the ground near the roots had a maroon tint too. For some moments I was completely absorbed in this beauty where the tree changed the quality of light. Normally, it happens the other way around.

My heart is a nomad
Wanders the wild lands bare feet
At night drinking in the dew of stars
In mountains inhaling the pale-wet sunshine
In a moment it contains the green -misty fragrance of crushed chrysanthemums
And the salt on the breeze by the sea
My heart is a thirsty wanderer
Captured in buds of moments... like a seeking bumble bee




Pic: A tree, loved the light and the spreading branches!

Silent

It is silent. Kids are away with parents. There are books and papers spread on my bed. My lap top is here with me and I can sleep with these things still pushed to the corner. The TV is switched on and there is a movie on. I had lighted a lamp in the alter and and incense stic. I don't drink but tonight if I had some company, I would have had a little wine. I don't smoke, but when I am under tremendous stress I feel like smoking. Long time ago I used to borrow from my husband and smoke but never liked it really.

Guss I am feeling a little lonely. What can one expect with a laptop for company? Well, there were two meditation sessions andmany nice ladies were there who want to meditate with me in the evenings. That might sort out thing of having some friends. My work and husband's absence probably had taken away all the time I could have had for any meaningful interactions with women around. Can't live all by myself need some one to talk to in person. All I do is cook, take care of kids and read and write.

Am off to sleep now...

Pic: It was cloudy a few days back and I took this picture, The tree has a lot of character and the light wow so unearthy...

Senstivity

As I said, I don't drink nor I smoke, these are known to affect the throat. I have been meditating for a while now and that makes the body very sensitive. I woke up with a sore throat even when I had no cold last night. Mere thoughts of these addictive things can make the body react. Mind and body are entwined more closely than we can imagine. What they call psychosomatic these days can be experienced and observed when mind and heart become more and more sensitive as one meditates.

Another picture, the same cloudy day!

Blessings!

I look back to the time when I had started blogging, thinking that this would be a nice place to collect my poems that I was loosing. The journey has been beautiful to say the least. I had never imagined that a blog would lead to so much learning. I was going through the comments in the previous blog. I realised that these from America, Malaysia, Russia and India. That is some diversity! Sometimes it feels as if our civilization in the stages of infancy.

These days I am reading a very interesting book about eco-friendly sanitation, well, that seems to be dry sanitation. It puts across this theory that all water-based sanitation is a non-sustainable activity. As I went through the facts, it really seems that the amount of water contaminated by the waste is enormous. A few weeks back traveling towards Delhi, on the periphery of the city, I could see miles and miles of sewage carrying canals. The water and waste is simply pushed out of the city and seems there is no infrastructure to treat that amount of sewage. Coming back to present, right here in these posh parts of the city, the drains are choked and the sewage is being pumped out and the dry contents stuffed into bags.

This made me realise how right this book's observation is. What I read about in this book, the things that it warns about. I am not going into details as the topic is unpleasant for some of us.

It seems that we are just realising the consequences of not having a far sight. The problems have just begun. This all makes me feel that we are under an illusion that we are very developed and have attained what no other civilization achieved before. Even the ancient civilizations adhered to more sustainable growth patterns.

Recently, I read in a blog about the immense possibilities of the web, seems here too we are so hesitant in making the transition. Old habits are too confining and even as we face dwindling resources, w stick to old ways of congesting the roads to commute and the do the tasks that can now be transferred to the web.

In many ways this is just the beginning of realisation that we are an infant civilization and unless we learn from collective experiences, as we do in these blogs, there is not much hope for us to evolve into a better race.

Got too philosophical, am so blessed to have the friends here, just wish that others enjoy what I am enjoying. Sharing and loving this experience. World indeed is flat!


Pic: Same day, our Earth, our Horizons, such a lovely frame for the sky! Happy and sustainable Earth Day! Today is the day of our Mother Earth, April 22.

Wanderings

Yesterday, as I was walking towards home I saw a kitten that looked like the one kids loved. I picked the kitten in my arms and tried to carry it home. She was patient till I reached the gate and then she scratched my fore arm and ran away. Our cat is missing and this behavior by the kitten makes one thing sure, if he was alive he would have come back. Right now a black cat is sitting in the porch with its litter of four kittens I am keeping a constant supply of milk to her as she is feeding the young kittens. This time they are tiny compared to the healthy litter of two kittens last time. The cat showed gratitude by rubbing against my leg. Things are so simple in nature. In human relationships, the very people for whom you have cared the most would leave you in a lurch, just an observation. It has started to get scorching hot here. Little green mangoes dangle on the branches like pendulums. Air is warm and leaves stand still at noon time. Sky becomes cloudless, hard as steel, shimmering.

Her Daydreaming!



There was a calm pool of quiet in her heart as she played with a green twig. There were bright magenta 'office time' flowers dotting the thick succulent leaves. She inhaled deeply, last night's jasmine was still on the bush, drooping slightly as the sun blazed. Looking up she saw a pregnant woman, and she thought how a little human was attached to the fluid-filled amniotic sack, so primitive, she thought. A sweat drop trickled down her temple; she extended her pink tongue, tasting the sharp salt of the droplet.

A woman was buying vegetables, a woman from a respectable house hold, her back was a little bent. Her voice barely a whisper. Feeding her children and being presentable by her husband's side were unwritten duties, so she feeds them day-after-day, thinking of new things to put in their lunch boxes. She buys a few matching trinkets for herself to go to the stiff formal parties, this woman with a slouch, to look presentable by her husband's side. The woman buying the vegetables also pleases her in-laws, it is one of her duties.

There are sparrows in a nest, she observes, the mother sparrow is pushing the baby sparrow out of the nest. Sparrow is skin and bones rearing up her three chicks, but she will never be a mother -in-law to lord over the little male chick's life. In nature things are simpler.

She is thirsty, she dunks a steel glass in an earthen pot she had bought in a small town, the smell of wet earth fills her nostrils, she inhales deep as she drinks the cool water. She touches her feet, they become dry no matter how much cream she massages into them, every day as she bathes surrounded by white washed walls, she brushes the feet, first the toes, the nails and then the ball of the heel. Sometimes she scrubs them with terracotta stone. When she was younger, she would mix turmeric, curd and gram flour and when it would dry on her skin creating wrinkles, she would scrub it, rolling cylindrical dark paste, moving her palms slowly against her face, shedding all the grime.

In the steaming heat she sits thinking on the doorstep of the first showers of monsoon, when the dark gray clouds creep silently into the horizon and suddenly the life stands still in anticipation. Air gets saturated with humidity, thick and almost solid, and then suddenly with slithering cool breeze, the heavens open, showering pure bliss on parched Earth.

She stands up, her hair catching the pale dust riding the warm wind. There are birds chirping in the neem trees and the bitter smell of ripe little neem fruits permeates the air. It is time to peel the vegetables and soak the lentils and rice for the lunch, as the squirrels run up and down the tree, she smiles and shuts out the heat across the door. The mustard oil fills the bottom of a pan and her hands get busy transferring the cut vegetables to this spluttering heat of the vessel.