There are days when you feel deep contentment and then there are some when you feel absolutely disoriented, a void corrodes the insides. Today, I am somewhere between these two, in no man's land. There is peace as children are blossoming and there is pure joy in just watching them grow. There is some void when I address the plans I have for the PhD, is it relevant, will I make some difference? Will the learning be applied and be of value? Should I be doing it in the first place? Can't I learn the same things without attaching a degree? Would the learning sans a degree be less valuable? Dunno, am really confused. Am not a 'yes minister' person and before stepping into any work scenario, I have to really figure out if I might be required to compromise my values.
I know these things one learns while working but am just trying to figure out if the direction I am heading for is basically towards a state where I am able to give back.
As a family with one major bread earning member(husband), there is no real need for earning, also because I feel the job I will take up might feed a whole family(isn't it snatching bread from those who need it more?). With him keeping long hours, it is me who balances out the household. Ideally, I should earn just what is sufficient for survival as earning more than that is kind of stealing from those who need these jobs much more than me(yeah, I blow up the money recklessly when I earn).
Have seen the latch key kids, there is simply no substitute for parental presence. Even as I weigh these facts there is this restlessness that build up during the hours when kids go away and even when I have so many hobbies, it doesn't leave me. Some thing that kind of accuses me of wasting time when I could have shared this learning. Dunno, maybe I am just apprehensive as I am in the late thirties.
I think I will drop all this and work on what Gautam Buddha says: “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
Prayers
Like oysters bears a pearl
May the prayers bear peace
Deliver us from illusions
Bearing rest and ease...
Pic: Himalayas again, something about these wise sage-like mountains makes me just keep on looking at these picture I took while in its peaceful lap.
There are likely many "correct" paths to take. We choose the ones we choose and our ripple in the ocean then sets the world on a slightly different path than it was on the minute prior. If you realize you took a wrong step, ask forgiveness and try to return to the other path as quickly as possible. You'll find your answers within.
ReplyDeleteI saw an old quote from St Francis of Asisi today that meant a lot to me, perhaps it means something to you in your situation, as well. "Preach the gospel at all times; use words if necessary." Or to paraphrase, "just be".