Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Brooding Today and Prayers

There are days when you feel deep contentment and then there are some when you feel absolutely disoriented, a void corrodes the insides. Today, I am somewhere between these two, in no man's land. There is peace as children are blossoming and there is pure joy in just watching them grow. There is some void when I address the plans I have for the PhD, is it relevant, will I make some difference? Will the learning be applied and be of value? Should I be doing it in the first place? Can't I learn the same things without attaching a degree? Would the learning sans a degree be less valuable? Dunno, am really confused. Am not a 'yes minister' person and before stepping into any work scenario, I have to really figure out if I might be required to compromise my values.
I know these things one learns while working but am just trying to figure out if the direction I am heading for is basically towards a state where I am able to give back.

As a family with one major bread earning member(husband), there is no real need for earning, also because I feel the job I will take up might feed a whole family(isn't it snatching bread from those who need it more?). With him keeping long hours, it is me who balances out the household. Ideally, I should earn just what is sufficient for survival as earning more than that is kind of stealing from those who need these jobs much more than me(yeah, I blow up the money recklessly when I earn).

Have seen the latch key kids, there is simply no substitute for parental presence. Even as I weigh these facts there is this restlessness that build up during the hours when kids go away and even when I have so many hobbies, it doesn't leave me. Some thing that kind of accuses me of wasting time when I could have shared this learning. Dunno, maybe I am just apprehensive as I am in the late thirties.

I think I will drop all this and work on what Gautam Buddha says: “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”


Like oysters bears a pearl
May the prayers bear peace

Deliver us from illusions
Bearing rest and ease...

Pic: Himalayas again, something about these wise sage-like mountains makes me just keep on looking at these picture I took while in its peaceful lap.

1 comment:

  1. There are likely many "correct" paths to take. We choose the ones we choose and our ripple in the ocean then sets the world on a slightly different path than it was on the minute prior. If you realize you took a wrong step, ask forgiveness and try to return to the other path as quickly as possible. You'll find your answers within.

    I saw an old quote from St Francis of Asisi today that meant a lot to me, perhaps it means something to you in your situation, as well. "Preach the gospel at all times; use words if necessary." Or to paraphrase, "just be".